Thursday, May 26, 2022

Dumper Vs Dumpee Psychology

Today we're going to be talking about dumper versus dumpy psychology more specifically what we've learned over the past 10 years are the big differences between someone who gets dumped and someone who does the dumping but first thing first if you're new to our .

Channel or our website or the rx recovery ecosystem probably the number one thing you're wondering is what kind of chance do i have of getting my ex back now luckily for you we've put together a special quiz on our website www.exboyfriendrecovery.com that helps to try to answer this .

Question now if you want to take this free quiz all you have to do is simply look in this youtube description below and find the link you see there once you find that link simply click on it it will take you directly to the quiz where we can get you taken care of okay .

With that out of the way let's begin and start talking about dumpers versus dumpies so let's start with the basics what is a dumper and what is a dumpy in case you aren't familiar with this terminology a dumper is someone who initiates a breakup they're the ones who does the breaking up .

A dump bee is someone who actually gets broken up with they're the ones who are most likely to be reeling after a loss and ironically they're the ones who we get to deal with the most so why has it taken so long for me to produce a video like this well simply put we have a .

Lot of data on dumpies people who've been broken up with but we didn't have as much data as you think on dumpers they're the ones often who aren't looking to get back together or move on from a breakup though you'll find out soon that maybe a bit of a fallacy .

After we felt like we got enough research or enough of a volume of understanding what dumpers go through well we're making the video now concept number one both sides go through their own grieving process now i'm going to go on a limb here and say that if you're .

Watching this video you're most likely the dumpy now there may be a few dumpers out there who could back me up on this but a lot of dumpies don't believe that dumpers go through their own grieving process but that's simply because of timing so the best way to look at the situation is like this .

When you get broken up with you're the dumpy right the dumpy is going to go through a brutal grieving process immediately they're often the ones who didn't want a breakup to occur while the dumper is fine with it until enough time goes by and they start to recognize that they regret or miss .

Certain aspects of the relationship that's when they start to go through their own grieving process so usually the dumpies grieve first and the dumpers grieve second but it's important to understand that both sides go through their own grieving process so don't go out there and think like oh my ex is not going to .

Be thinking about me it's more abnormal for an ex not to think about you after a breakup even if they're the dumpers than it is for them to actually think about you that's the more normal human being type of reaction that they could have concept number two dumpers are a lot .

More likely to go on the rebound now i honestly could not do this enough justice in this short video because i actually did a different video talking about attachment styles and how dumpers react to certain situations so one of the things that we talked about in that .

Attachment styles video was that people with a specific type of attachment styles who dump will oftentimes not try to handle their feelings they'll sometimes simply move on to someone else to allow themselves to be distracted we've noticed a lot of dumpers people .

Who initiate breakups doing this exact thing so a lot of men and women that we work with get extremely worried when their ex moves on to someone else thinking oh my goodness they've replaced me when what's more likely to happen is they're using that person to not handle the fallout of the breakup .

With you so it is common for dumpers to be a lot more likely to go on the rebound after a breakup now as far as percentages go we don't have enough data to make an ultimate determination but i would say as much as 25 to 35 percent of dumpers will go on the rebound within the first .

Month now an important distinction to make about rebound relationship is that it's a lot more likely that a dumper moving on within the first month of the breakup is going to be moving on in a rebound relationship than it is if they move on to someone else a year after the breakup that's more likely .

To be a honest-to-goodness relationship concept number three dumpers will sometimes use the dumpy for emotional support all right this actually kind of ties seamlessly into the first concept that i talk about with both sides going through their own grieving process the dumpy goes through .

The grieving process first and the dumper goes through the grieving process second and sometimes that doesn't even apply at all sometimes they both go through it together at the same time it's all situational but what really is interesting is we've noticed a trend occurring where the dumper .

Will begin to use the dumpy for emotional support we think this really has a lot to do with patterns when you enter into a relationship with someone assuming it's a long-term relationship you kind of go through your pattern you text each other every day you talk to each other every single day .

Maybe you have a date night three or four days a week or something like that maybe you live together you're used to seeing that person all day every day and while they get on your nerves the routine is settled it's a pattern that you use to kind of trademark your way through life but when .

You go through a breakup part of the grieving process is having the sudden shift where the routine and the pattern is completely disrupted and you want to get back to that sometimes we're noticing dumpers regret later down the rhine or start to miss certain aspects later down the line .

And they start to rely on you for emotional support now what happens if you give them emotional support what happens if they reach out just to talk to you and talk to you for like three hours at a time ultimately what happens is they'll begin to use you they'll get what they need and simply continue to .

Move on remember one thing that we really do teach in ex recovery is this concept of you and your ex are no longer a boyfriend or girlfriend you're simply acquaintances concept number four you cannot change the dumper's mind you can only influence it through regret .

And fear of missing out this is going to hurt to hear but a lot of people sit there and think that you can do something to change your ex's mind and i'm here to tell you that's not how it works what someone's mind is made up usually the only person that can change the mind of that person is that person themselves .

So what does this mean does this mean that everything you're teaching chris is thrown out the window i mean what's the point of this well it's to influence or teaching you how to influence someone to change their mind ultimately the only thing that you can do if you've been dumped or you're coming at this from the dumpy .

Perspective and you want your ex back is to focus on the areas of your life and the situations that you can actually control now what does that mean well one of the things you can't control is if your ex dates someone new one of the things you can't control is if your ex deletes facebook photos of you on facebook or .

Instagram photos of you on instagram those are things that are out of your control by focusing simply on the things that are in 100 of your control you can actually start to project the type of behaviors that are going to influence an ex to begin to regret their decision to break up with you now we talk a lot about this concept of being .

The ungettable having this ungettable mindset well really ungettable if you distill it down into its simplest form it's all about projecting a secure attachment style being so confident with yourself that you have the fortitude .

To overcome whatever relationship issues are thrown at your feet but it's important to understand that there's nothing you can say that will change your ex's mind now don't take this to say like oh my goodness chris is saying there's nothing i can do to change my ex's mind that's not .

What i'm saying at all what i'm saying is if you come at this thinking that there's a magic bullet phrase that you can say to your ex you come at this thinking there's an imaginable action you can do that will all of a sudden make the x come back it doesn't work that way .

All you can do is focus on what you have control over and allow those actions to influence your ex to make their decision now speaking of influence that's a perfect transition to concept number five concept number five it can be difficult to get the dumper to admit they made a .

Mistake but the sphere of influence helps a lot in that regard or this is maybe the newest finding that we've learned about dumpers and dumpies a lot of times people are trying to understand how do i influence my ex to come back to me and sometimes .

The best way to influence them is through their sphere of influence so what is this fear of influence i talk about this concept a lot on the youtube channel our website and even our podcast but what is it well simply put it's the people that your ex surrounds themselves with .

Whose opinions matter to them friends family close co-workers sometimes even heroes all of these people's opinions shape their internal beliefs or they need validation from these people to feel confident sometimes this works against your favor let's say that you were in a .

Relationship with your ex and their mom hated you well that's not gonna really help you especially if family is really big for your ex and he's hearing his mom or she's hearing her mom say i don't like that person you should break up with that person then the breakup occurs but it can also work on the flip side .

Where if you are universally loved by this fear of influence if your ex dumped you and all of the people surrounding your ex are sitting there and saying why did you do that that's super stum why did you do that she was awesome why did you do that he was awesome .

It actually helps a lot to change their mind it's almost like they get the social pressure and realize wow all these people that i really respect like this person and think i made a mistake maybe i need to revisit my thinking on this now it doesn't always .

Work out perfectly but one thing we're learning about dumpers is that is one of the best ways to get through to them now there's a lot of different ways to handle sphere of influence and sometimes it's out of your control because maybe they just didn't like you or maybe they love you whatever the case is .

It's important to focus on the things that you have control over and this fear of influence is not one of those things it's just one of the interesting findings that we've learned about okay one final thing before we end this video if you haven't taken the quiz that i talked about at the beginning of the .

Video simply look in the description link below this youtube video and click on the link you see there that will take you directly to the quiz where you can take the quiz and finish it also if you haven't liked commented or subscribed to my youtube channel please do so that always helps more .

Than you realize i'll see you tomorrow

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